How to Hold Each Other Accountable Without Being Judgmental

Oct 12

You hold each other accountable by staying close enough to notice when someone starts to drift, then responding with gentleness instead of judgment. Whether a friend confesses or you have to call it out in love, the goal is to bring each other back, not to beat each other up.

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Last week, Pastor Ben preached through the last two verses of James in How Should Christians Respond When Someone Leaves the Church?. This message is a continuation of that one. He covered what these verses mean. Today I want to look at what they actually look like in our lives.

The Wanderer and the One Who Brings Them Back

My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.

James 5:19-20

The word for wander can mean to go astray or to be led astray. The end result is the same, but the reason is different.

Picture me walking through the woods and coming to a fork. Route A leads to the wolf den. Route B leads to my car. Maybe I'm on my phone and never notice the fork. Maybe I get there and just pick wrong. That's going astray.

Being led astray is different. I'm about to take route B, and a stranger comes out of the woods, takes my map, turns it upside down, and sends me the other way. I get eaten by the wolf, and that guy takes my car. Someone stepped in and steered me wrong on purpose.

James is writing about what happens to a believer who drifts.

How Do You Keep From Wandering?

The first concern should be, "How do I not wander in the first place?". As a church, we've identified three things that help us grow in sanctification, which is just a big church word for being more like Jesus today than I was yesterday. Reading the Bible, dealing with sin, and sharing the gospel. If we do these three faithfully, most everything else falls in line.

Read the Bible. You can get saved knowing very little, but you have to open the Bible to grow in the relationship. Scripture is our spiritual map. Study it, and even memorize it, because maps get wet, ripped, lost, and blown away, and strangers in the woods turn them upside down.

Deal with sin. A believer doesn't lose salvation over sin, but the relationship suffers. Think of a marriage where you have the certificate but ignore each other for weeks. You're still married, but it's toxic and not life-giving. All sin has consequences, even when Jesus has saved us from the ultimate one.

Share the gospel. For a follower of Jesus, sharing the gospel isn't suggested. It's commanded. It's not our role to convict or save anyone. That's on God. But we can bring the message to the people we're uniquely positioned to reach.

This is simple, but it's not easy. That's where accountability helps. If Red has a friend who knows the right way to go and gently reminds her before she goes off track, Red doesn't get eaten by a wolf.

Where Can You Find Accountability at Solid Rock?

Small group. Every week we should be talking about our Bible reading and our gospel sharing. How have we been doing? What's keeping us from it? Who has God put in our lives that we're uniquely placed to reach?

Discipleship group. This is smaller, two to four people, and it adds the third thing, dealing with sin. It's easier and more appropriate to talk about your sin struggles with two or three people than with fifteen. The group gets smaller so the information can get larger. There's a discipleship group template on our website and socials to help you get started.

Preemptive and Reactive Accountability

Accountability works overtime in two moments.

Preemptive accountability gets ahead of temptation. When I taught youth back in Texas, the classic example was, don't go to the party where you know the drinking will be. Stop yourself before you're in a position to be tempted.

Reactive accountability is what most of us think of first. I've messed up, I need restoration, and I need to talk about it.

If we keep each other from wandering, we never have to go get anyone back. But if someone does wander, it starts with being involved and known. If people don't know you, they won't notice when you drift. If they do, they'll say, "Something's off. I should check on them."

What to Do When Someone Confesses Sin

Say a friend in our group tells us he's been gossiping online and recognizes it as a pattern. I don't need to convince him it's sin. He doesn't need scripture or condemnation to convict him. He already knows it's a problej, that's why he brought it to us. Here's what we do.

Thank him. It's hard to open up, even to someone you're close with. His trust also makes it easier for me to be honest too.
Pray. First for wisdom, then for him to overcome it.
Restore him. He's already repented and been forgiven. This doesn't disqualify him from being a child of God, and he doesn't have to walk in shame and guilt.
Talk it through. What are the triggers? When does it get worse? What can we do to stop? Habitual sin needs a longer plan than a one-time slip.

What to Do When Someone Needs to Be Called Out

Rebuke in Gentleness

Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.

Luke 17:3

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.

Galatians 6:1

Now say the same friend doesn't bring it up, but I see the pattern. The burden is on me to talk to him. I hate confrontation more than anything in the world, so the first thing I do is pray. Is this really sin, or is it just something I think is dumb? Lord, give me the right words, and help him receive it.

Receiving Correction Well

The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence.

Proverbs 15:31-32

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.

Proverbs 12:1

To quote Scripture, don't be stupid. When you join a church, a small group, or a discipleship group, you're saying, "I give you permission to call me on my sin," and they're saying the same to you. It's a two-way street, and we have a duty to respond well.

So, I gently confront him with scripture and with examples of his behavior. I do it with humility and the goal of restoration.

If he accepts it, we proceed just like a confession. If he pushes back, I back off a little. I keep meeting with him, keep praying, point it out again when I see it, and give the Spirit room to work. I'm not there to convict him. I'm there to point it out in a spirit of gentleness and love. Mature believers will usually respond if it's done in love. If I'm rude about it, he won't hear me, even if I'm right.

What If It's Serious?

Most things can be handled inside your discipleship group. But if something comes up that's heavy and you don't know what to do, talk to me or Pastor Ben. If it's a huge issue, we'll figure out the next step together.

What If Someone Leaves the Church?

If my friend leave and I notice, I text first. If I don't hear back, I call. If he still doesn't answer, I walk over and knock on his door. Maybe he just got busy. Maybe life happened. Maybe it's a faith issue. If I'm not sure how to have that conversation, I go to Pastor Ben or another mature believer. Pastor Ben also covered the reasons people leave in last week's message.

Don't kill the relationship. Don't say, "You don't go to my church anymore, so I'm not concerned with your faith." You don't have to talk about church every time or send a verse every day. When the Spirit leads, bring it up again. Keep praying, show up for him, and give the Spirit room to work. If God pulls him back, respond well.

What Will You Do Next?

Accountability helps us stay the course and helps the people we care about not wander. If we keep each other from wandering in the first place, it all becomes preemptive instead of reactive. There will be times we fail, and when someone does confess, we walk through it with them, identify the triggers and temptations, and make a plan to move forward.

Here's what you can do right now.

Get involved in a small group.
Join a discipleship group.
Participate faithfully.

We care about people because Jesus cares about people. That means that when someone wanders, we don't just accept it, but work to bring them home.

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Ben Hightower